The Penalties of Love Read online

  “Hans WHAT,” she snapped again, “You must have another name, surely.”

  I swallowed hard and told her that my full name was Hans Knust and that I had lived in Duisberg Hochfeld in Germany before I was conscripted into the German army. I was about to tell her of the limited experiences I had in the medical world, even if I felt I could do much of the work required of me in the hospital, but she put her hand in the air and told me to be quiet whilst she spoke...

  “Mr... or should I call you HERR KNUST... ? How interested have you been in your work here at the hospital?” she asked and looked rather concerned and I explained that I had been doing the work of a nursing orderly in the German army as I had refused to kill anyone when I had to go into the military. With that she looked at me blankly again but said nothing until I thought it best to continue talking.

  “Yes, I have been very happy here and the staff have been very kind and helpful, thank you.” was my reply but she shook her head as if she did not believe me.

  “What was your opinion of Sister Kilbride? she asked and I was surprised that my answer would assist her question when I told her that I hardly knew the lady and the Matron continued,

  “Well you should know that she doesn’t like Germans and her reason for that is because her father and her brother were killed in the trenches during the war.”

  Chapter Two

  More Information about Sister Kilbride

  That information should have surprised me but it didn’t when I remembered how Sister Kilbride had seemingly ignored me all the time we were in her ward.

  The Matron looked intently into my face as she lent forward in her chair, but I had nothing more to say and then she suggested that I should go to the A&E ward the following Thursday as they were short of nurses there and she thought as I had done ‘a little medical work’ in university that I might know something of what was going on with the patients who came in there with accidents, etc. and I was about to leave her office when she called after me.

  “Can you tell the other nurses not to expect Sister Kilbride for some time to come as she is pregnant.” That news did surprise me and I started to think of the German who thought she was too much to handle when I wished I could have swallowed my thoughts and allowed them to die as the Matron continued with her observations...

  “Sister Kilbride is getting a divorce as her husband doesn’t want children. Close the door as you leave please...” I was stunned by that latest news and felt very sorry for Sister Kilbride, however, I had no intention of giving that information to any of the nurse I had met on the Male ward of St. Bernard’s where I had strange feelings of personal sorrow for the unhappy Sister and found it hard to dismiss her problems from my mind. I had never had a ‘girlfriend’ in Germany and had been too busy in university to have time for romance, but Sister Kilbride would not leave my mind. The women I had met in my war experiences were either very butch type who were more interested in guns and bullets and I felt no man could be truly attracted to that type, but then again, I suppose it takes all types, but I was left very cold and probably too interested in my medical knowledge at the university to think of romance. With Sister Kilbride, I don’t think it was ‘love thoughts’ or anything at all romantic. It was just one human being having understanding for the plight of another and I know all the thoughts I had of her when she was in charge of the Male Ward, were anything but ‘human understanding’ but it all seemed so different now. It was as though I had personally lost something or someone in my life that had meant more to me than I had previously imagined. Nurse Moore had visited the A&E ward several times when I was working there and I think she had some idea that WE might become friends... or more, but I had no feelings for Hannah Moore. She was a nice girl and a good nurse, but she could never have replaced Sister Kilbride... It was some time later in June of 1921 when I was in my twenty-sixth year and I had been working in the A&E ward at Bernard’s where I had been able to show something of my university training where I had sutured quite a few cuts and gashes that the nurses were either afraid or nervous to do, but it was what I had to do during the war years with the German troops and we prisoners from Germany were being allowed to move more freely in the town of Inverness as time went on... One afternoon whilst visiting a nearby café with a few of my prisoner mates... I bumped into Sister Kilbride. Well, I didn’t actually BUMP into her but she was sitting at a table in the same café as I was and I could not believe my eyes that it was the lady I had worked with for such a time. I was reminded of her distant attitude when I tried to be friendly and I wondered if she had changed.

  My friends who were drinking coffee in the same café started to whistle when they saw me staring at my female friend and assumed I must have had some close relationship with this lady, but she rose from where she was sitting at the table and walked past me pushing a pram and I was sure it was she as she past so near to where I was sitting. I jumped up and walked towards her and she stopped walking.

  “It is so lovely to see you again,” I said for something better in which to reintroduce myself as I did not want her to know of the Matron’s conversation with me, but she looked ahead as if she did not recognise me and I put my hand on the pram, “Sister Kilbride,” I called out but in a quiet voice and she looked at me in a strange way.

  “I think you have made a mistake young man,” she said, “If you don’t mind I would like to move away and for you to remove your dirty hands from my pram,” but I was SURE that the lady I had seen was indeed Sister Kilbride and I called out her name so that she would know that I knew her, but again she looked at me blankly.

  “You have made a mistake,” she said and looked at me angrily, “My name is not Kilbride. Why don’t you go back to your own country where you belong?”

  I was totally taken aback and could only apologies as I stood aside and let her move on with her pram as I went back to join my friends from the Home, but they kept on whistling and making rude remarks, suggesting that she was a lovely bit of skirt and other similar suggestions, but I sat in silence, afraid that I had made a very serious mistake which baffled me. I watched the lady with the pram until she had gone from my sight, but I was totally confused. There was nothing more I could do and there was no way that I could ever prove to myself or to anyone else that I had spoken to Sister Kilbride. All I could ask myself softly was HOW DID SHE KNOW I WAS FROM GERMANY as I had lost most of my German accent for one thing and for another, if she had never met me before and was convinced I had made a mistake, how could she be so sure that it was I who had made a mistake?

  Two of my friends asked me to introduce them to her but I had gone deaf to their requests, as another guest started to swear and tell us that all women were bastards and that they used men to get what they wanted, Bloody cows, the lot of them... he screamed and banged the table but I shook my head and simply just wanted to get back to the Home and get my head down.

  I might as well have said goodbye to sleep that evening as I lay awake thinking all the time... of the lady who did not know her name and I had a vision of my brother Eric, telling me to grab her by the... what seemed to be horns in my mind, but I knew that ladies did not have horns.

  Chapter Three

  Sister Kilbride or Miss Anna Scot?

  The lovely lady who said she didn’t exist, remained in my mind and would not go away. but the following morning when I arrived at the hospital for my shift duty, I was bustled into the ward by Jenny Vickery who pushed me up against a wall and told me that I was in for a big surprise as the Matron had insisted that I go to her office as soon as I came in. I couldn’t think what the Matron might want me for but Vickery raised her eyebrows and hinted I was in for what she described as ‘a boot up the arse’ and I gathered this meant something of an unpleasant surprise. I knocked three times on the Matron’s door and she called out for me to come in, when to my utter surprise, I could see Doctor Robinson who worked with me in
the A&E department, sitting in the corner near the door. He kept his head down and I wondered what was on his mind... Had I done something wrong again... but the Matron looked sternly at me and beckoned without speaking that I should sit down.

  “Herr Knust,” she said in a stern voice without looking at me... I have had something of a complaint or perhaps more of a compliment... I cannot say, but Dr.Robinson tells me that patients were brought in by ambulance to the A&E department as they had been in a terrible road accidents and he tells me that you have actually sutured THREE patients when they came into the A&E and this is not something that a mere nurse should even contemplate doing. Is this correct?”

  I started to apologise when Doctor Robinson stood up and put his hand in the air.

  “Matron, I did not make a complaint about this... nursing orderly. The matter was a concern when seven patients were brought in by ambulance to the A&E after there had been a car accident. I knew I had to act swiftly as I was the only doctor in the department, but there was blood everywhere and this gentleman, Herr Knust stepped in to the breach and pulled the curtains around three of the patients. I did what I could for the other four, but before I had even finished my work with them, I saw the curtains pulled back again and Herr Knust appeared with three patients who walked out looking completely normal, with only a bandage covered the cuts on their heads and necks. Herr Knust then came over to me and offered his assistance with the patients I was still caring for and I was stunned to see that he had the tools ready for suturing. He took the last of my trio and sutured the patient in the throat and head and I was surprised at the speed and efficiency that he performed this task.”

  The Matron sat quietly staring at the wall before she turned to me and smiled.

  “I should really have you thrown out of this hospital... you must realize that as nurses are not allowed or qualified to do this sort of work. You must realize that.” She said again but there was a tenderness in her voice that I had never known before. I didn’t know how to react until Doctor Robinson started to speak again.

  “Matron... I have told you, there were SEVEN patients, all needing detailed attention and I can only say again, THRE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE... and I could never have acted as I did without the help of Herr Knust.”

  I felt relieved as I waited for more admonition from the Matron, but she smiled again and told me to leave the room as she needed to discuss matters further with Dr. Robinson.

  When I came back into the ward, Jenny Vickery and Hannah Moore were waiting with great smiles on their faces and back slapping seemed to be the order of the day, but when I asked them how they knew about the ordeal, Anne Moore said she had been told by several other people from A&E what had happened and several of the patients left in admiration and respect for the nursing orderly who took such great care of them.

  I wanted to continue with my ward work when Jenny Vickery said she had heard that I had bumped into Anna Kilbride and I asked her how she knew that as I thought I had met the wrong person and Jenny told me that Sister Kilbride had approached her angrily in the street and demanded to know why she kept talking to those German P.O.W s... So the lady I saw passing with the pram was indeed Sister Kilbride, but why did she ignore me and say I had met the wrong person?

  Jenny Vickery told me again, what she had said so long ago, that Sister Kilbride did not like Germans and it seems that was because her father and her brother had been killed in the war.

  “But why would she deny her existence. I didn’t want to harm her.” I said “and Jenny said that Anna Kilbride had moved back in with her mother and sister as her husband had left her when she was expecting. I asked her where Anna Kilbride lived now and Jenny gave me the address as 56 Billington Crescent and I made a mental note hoping to enter the address in my diary.

  Three days later when I had some time off duty from the hospital, I went to the address that Jenny had given me, hoping I was not doing something too drastic or in any way offensive to the family as that was the last thing on my mind, but when I rang the doorbell and spoke to the elderly lady who answered the door, I was told that MRS. ANNA KILBRIDE no longer lived at that address. I was about to walk away when the elderly lady called me back with a smile on her face.

  “You can speak to MISS SCOT, if you wish,” she snorted and in confusion, she allowed me to enter into her lounge, where after a few moments I got the surprise of my life as Miss Anna Scott and not Sister Kilbride appeared and sighed heavily as she saw me in her lounge.

  “You are a persistent beggar,” she said as she sat down beside me. “I no longer use my married name of Kilbride since my husband is now my ex-husband and I want to have nothing more to do with him, but why have you come here... when I no longer work at the hospital.?”

  I told her I knew that, but that I was concerned for her in her present situation as I knew there would be difficulties in her present state and I wanted to know if there was any way in which I could help. Anna Scot sat beside me and shook her head. “I am sorry for the way I have treated you. I have been under a particular strain and I know that is a feeble excuse but things have just got on top of me... Oh! I hear you have done wonders in the A&E” she said as if it was something she had just remembered but her last compliment was more than I expected and it was so different from the Ward Sister I had known, but she smiled and seemed to take more interest in my visit which made me happy. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for the difficulties she was in, but I had to be careful as I didn’t know if she knew what I had been told, especially by Jenny Vickery and especially her hatred for Germans so I thought I had better stick to the subject of her having left the hospital if I could as I looked around the room for anything else that would give me a subject of conversation.

  “This has been a terrible war,” I said and watched her reaction, but she sat still and her face was motionless. “I hate wars” I said immediately and looked at her face. “and when I was conscripted I refused to kill anyone and that is why they let me stay in the Medical side of soldiering. They knew I had started my medical training at university.”

  Immediately I said that, Anna Scot’s face changed.

  “Are you telling me that you have been a soldier and have never ever killed someone?” “I would never kill anyone,” I repeated, “I think it is immoral for one man to start a war and expect an army of men... and women to kill each other, just because he or she thinks it should be done.”

  Anna stared at me when I said that before she spoke again.

  “You are so different in your thoughts and how you consider life to be in comparison to other men,” she said. “The man I married would never have thought like that. War to him was a ‘necessity’ and to think that I truly loved him at one time. I can’t believe that now. I was such a fool, but no-one could or would have told me that I was such an idiot.”

  “When you fall in love with someone, you are transfixed and nobody could ever tell you that you have made a mistake,” I said that to Anna Scot as though I was an authority on ‘LOVE’ and she smiled apologising for rattling on about the marriage, but I insisted she talk on whatever subject she wanted to do as I felt she had such a lot on her mind that would be best if it was discussed openly. I wanted to touch her hand, but I refrained... and gave her my own opinion.

  “When you are in love with someone, you cannot and will not listen to anyone telling you that you are doing something wrong. There is never a WRONG when you are in love. It is only after something goes wrong that you realize and then it can be too late.”

  Anna Scot looked into my eyes and a tear ran down her face.

  “You have never been in love, have you?” she asked and I whispered, hoping that I would not offend, “Not until now, I haven’t” and then I reached out and touched her hand but she pulled away from me and stuttered an excuse that she didn’t want to be hurt again by people telling her what she should or shouldn’t do... peop
le who said one thing and meant another and then she cried again and asked me to go as she left the room and ran upstairs, telling me that her baby was crying and she would have to go leaving her mother to show me out.

  I knew I would always remember this Sister Kilbride or Miss Anna Scot whatever happened next.

  I had never been so close to a woman in all my life and never ever felt that there was something between another person and myself as far as love was concerned and I remembered how Anna Scot had asked me if I had ever been in love and I said ‘NO’ She was enduring a pain that was in no way connected to me and I wished I could have shared that agony with her, but I walked away from 56 Billington Crescent and looked back, hoping that someone may be looking out of a bedroom window, but there was no-one there and I made my way to a local synagogue where I knew I would be able to pray if I was left alone. I tried very hard to put my thoughts about Anna Scot to the back of my mind, but the more I tried, the more difficult it became. She was Sister Kilbride to me one minute and then she would once more become Anna Scot, but whichever lady appeared in my mind, I was head over heels in love with her whoever she became.

  Chapter Four

  A&E Turned Maternity

  I worked tirelessly in the A&E department and was given more responsibility than I ever thought possible. One young woman came in pregnant and started telling me her symptoms and what she wanted me to do for her, not realizing that I was only a caring male nurse and not a doctor. I looked around for someone to help but before I could find anyone, the patient was lying back on the bed and there was nothing more I could do but assist with the birth.. A little boy came out to greet me from the womb and I cut the cord. All was well and there were no difficulties, but I dreaded to think what the Matron would say if she found out and I looked around for Nurses Vickery and Moore but they had gone on a tea break and when they did come back, the lady who had just given birth congratulated me on my actions and told the nurses that I was wasted in the A&E department and should be moved to the maternity.